Monday, December 16, 2013

For the Writers: To Hell With Expectations

Ah, where to start? This is one of those posts that has been rattling in my head for a while-- about three weeks, at least--and ties in to the post It's Just Books.

I've been trying to sort out a lot since releasing Finding Meara and joining the race for writing success, and I'm finally to a point where I want to share another tidbit of my quest for sanity in the crazy business side of writing. I'm sharing this only because someone might relate to my feelings/thoughts. I'm not saying everyone has to feel this way or embrace my thinking. This post is about how I've changed to better cope with the highs and lows found in putting your work out there for public consumption.

Last week Sarah Callender wrote a wonderful, totally relatable post on Writer Unboxed called Becoming a Roses-Smeller. She talks about enjoying the writing journey instead of focusing on the end goal of writing success. What I especially appreciated about the post was this quote:
"The funny thing? I knew it would be tough to get published. As a no-name without fancy connections or credentials, I was aware the odds were small and low. I knew this.
But I was someone who Accomplished Goals. I was a High Achiever, a Hard Worker. When I got my first agent four years ago, I really and truly believed my hard work and goal-accomplishing would result in a book deal... I had done my 10,000 hours of practice, and while getting a novel published was hard, I figured it was hard for those who hadn’t worked their tails off."
Why did I appreciate it so much? Because it's almost identical to what I thought when I self-published Finding Meara. I said all the right things (and believed them, too) but my thoughts also went something like: Sure it'll be hard. But I'll be different. I'll be amazing! I'll be fantabulous! Watch out world, here I come!

And then, when things didn't go as I expected them to, I had a bit of a reality crash. What did it mean that my expectations weren't met? If I changed my expectations, did that mean I was giving up? Was I letting go of expectations or letting go of my dreams? 

It didn't stop there, either. I'm ashamed to admit this, but my own sense of self was wrapped up with being "more" and "different." I wasn't sure, when my expectations floundered in the mud, if I could be just me in the world. The social worker, mother of two, wife of one. Forever, and nothing more.

That's about when I wrote the It's Just Books post. I was struggling to figure out exactly what it all meant. I also struggled hard against changing my expectations. If I didn't have the expectations that others did for my writing (selling X amounts of books per month, having X blog visits, etc...) it felt like giving up.

One night I was thinking hard on all the dreams I've had in my life, and it occurred to me that the only dreams that have come true is marrying my husband and having my kids. And I realized that, as far as dreams come true, those are two pretty good ones, and if those are the only dreams that will come true in my life, I had to be pretty grateful.

Then Thanksgiving free days happened, and I rode the emotional roller coaster up that little incline, and then I got a couple of three star reviews and rode the emotional roller coaster back down, and then I got a couple of five star reviews and back up I went... And somewhere along the way, I decided I had to embrace being nothing more than me in the world, because the emotional roller coaster ride was taking away more than it was giving me.

So, I decided to hell with expectations - mine, other's and everyone's. I quit obsessively following my Amazon rank or reading reviews, I backed off of the stress of having to be present everywhere on social media, and I quit daydreaming my life. I have much to be thankful for, and living in expectations takes away from that thankfulness. Nothing is enough when you need more. And that is where I was. I needed more sales, I needed more reviews, I needed more stars, I needed more followers, I needed more time, I needed so much so I could meet the expectations of a successful writer. It was never ending.

Today on Twitter (because I really do like Twitter) I retweeted this:


I hope to be a good writer. I hope to write stories people will enjoy and relate to. I hope that I will find readers who enjoy my stories. I am willing to wait for the dawn to come, though, instead of expecting the sun to rise on my timetable. And if the dawn never comes, so be it. I will have been writing, and creating, and living, and loving the whole time - and so I will still be the winner.

How do you deal with disappointment and/or failed expectations? What do you hope for?


16 comments:

  1. I have experience with being flamed in a super-harsh way, and then later realising that the flaming person (even though they were mean. Totally mean!) had a very good point, and actually had the most impact on me than anyone else who had given me feedback (even if others who gave feedback had said much the same thing as the flamer, just in nicer words). So that experience taught me that I can handle blatantly rude critique, and that I can bounce back from it and be a better writer. Doesn't mean it hurts any less at the time!

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    1. I'm sorry it took me so long to reply. This week passed amazingly quickly. I totally hear you on the painful critiques, and agree it's good to be able to take away whatever good can be had. It seems like, lately, many people think they're doing others a favor by "being real" and don't see that they're just "being rude."

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  2. Being a writer means having to admit you may never become famous or acknowledged in any way. Much like any other profession. We compete for promotion, but there are only so many spots for those who make it through. Writing is no different. I'm just happy to have been given the passion to do something I love. Embrace life and everything else will fall into place.

    Love this post, Lara! Keep writing. :)

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    1. I'm sorry I'm so slow to respond. You're so right that writing is like any other business out there. I'm not sure when I read it, but Hugh Howey made a statement similar to what you're talking about. As writers we can do what we love, and maybe make some money out of it. There are some that will be hugely successful, and the rest not so much - but just because we may not be the greatest doesn't mean we should quit writing. I loved that post. I think it was last week...

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  3. So many of my dreams have come true, including being published. It hasn't been what I expected and I've had lots of ups and downs. Yet, I'd like to think I'm still in the game. No matter what happens with ny books, I have what I truly need in this life. Good family and friends and a good job. Everything else is just frosting. Awesome post!

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    1. Priorities. It's really a matter of priorities. I like "Everything else is just frosting." :D

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  4. It's too bad most writers go through this. Knowing what happens when you stress out over numbers and ratings. But we all do it. I've seen many go through this now, and I'll probably do the same thing. Maybe you'll just have to give me a kick in the butt when my time comes. :)

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    1. I won't kick you, but I'll be happy to listen to you as you try to figure it all out. After all, you've listened to me. :D

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  6. I think this a fantastic post about any expectations we have-- related to writing or not. Sounds like you are finding a much healthier emotional balance. I've seen authors online talk about their stats and reviews non-stop, wearing their heart on their sleeves when ratings are down a bit, cheering and self-promoting wildly when they're back up. I don't like reading it and always feel so badly that an author is judging her writing or book by the external feedback. But isn't that how life is? Oh our humanity.

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    1. I'm working on it (finding a better balance.) It's definitely a weird dynamic, because we write to communicate with and entertain other people, so we need their approval, but at the same time have to be able to put that feedback (negative and positive) into perspective. I imagine that when a person gets too popular they have to temper all the positive feedback, too, or they might lose touch with reality as much as a person who gets negative feedback and lets that affect their writing. So very strange.

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  7. When I tried to get my first novel published 30 years ago, I knew it would blow the industry away. Yeah, right! Same thing 20 years ago when I tried to get several others published. Like you, Lara, I concluded that I enjoy writing, and if people don't buy the work, I still enjoyed creating it.

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    1. Again, that Hugh Howey article comes to mind. Heck, let me link it and then you can see what he thinks. :)

      http://www.hughhowey.com/youre-looking-at-it-wrong/

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  8. I know exactly how you feel. The realities of the biz may knock me down for a while, but "hope springs eternal," and I pick myself back up and just keep going. I'm glad you are too. :-)

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  9. I love this post, Lara. I think you are an amazing writer and YOU DID IT! You published your book, and it's good! There are a lot of people who never make it that far, and many more who don't find the success they were hoping for until the fourth or fifth or tenth book, and then all of your fans will buy everything you've ever written. I do think it's important to be grateful for where you are, and who you are, which are both wonderful in my opinion. I also believe that you'll continue to write great books and your audience will continue to grow. I totally believe in you!

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