Monday, June 25, 2012

Query Corral Blog Hop

Heather Webb, writer, foodie and wine afficianado (which makes her very cool, in my book) is hosting a blog hop at her blog, Between the Sheets. Since I seriously need help with knowing where to even start an effective query, I was so excited for the opportunity to participate!


Below is my first attempt at a query letter for Finding Meara.  Even if you're not participating in the blog hop and want to share some of your wisdom, I'd really appreciate it if you'd leave a comment. 

Dear Agent:

In Finding Meara, my 80,000 word adult contemporary-fantasy, Hazel Michelli’s life is turned inside out when she is mistaken for a girl named Meara, kidnapped from her Denver apartment by a winged creature, and taken to the Realm, a parallel world where magic and monsters exist. 


Upon learning she is to be sacrificed for some nefarious purpose, Hazel narrowly escapes the Realm with the help of Frederick, a fire-cat, and Arden, the cryptic keeper of the forest.

Back in Colorado, Hazel’s world is further turned inside out when she learns she was adopted as a baby, and dysfunctional doesn't even begin to describe her family of origin. Her adoptive parents are distant cousins to her mother, an Earthforce magician who fled the Realm to protect Hazel when she was an infant. Meara is her four-year-old half-sister, and their father, Lucian Rosen, is a sadistic Lifeforce magician desperate to sacrifice his daughter to maintain his immortality.

The only problem is Meara has disappeared, and not even Lucian knows where she is. Furthermore, Lucian realizes Hazel is his lost daughter, and if he can sacrifice her, he will obtain the Earthforce magic in her blood and take over the Realm.

Guilted to action by her adoptive mother, Hazel races between the Realm and Colorado, trying to find the four-year-old and stay one step ahead of Lucian, so she doesn’t end up becoming the sacrifice that would give him control over the Realm.



While written with light-hearted humor, Finding Meara deals with themes of sacrifice, selflessness and family.

I am a school social worker, mother and wife. I have had two short horror stories published in printed anthologies. My contemporary fantasy story, Bear Hug, is published in the February 2012 issue of the online journal, Hogglepot.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Lara Schiffbauer

Thanks so much, everyone, for all your helpful feedback! Have a happy hop!

13 comments:

  1. Great start, Lara. I'm curious to see what the others say. Here's my take on your query:

    Dear dream agent—

    Two lines about why you’re querying this agent.

    Hazel is kidnapped from her Denver apartment by a winged creature and taken to the Realm, a parallel world where magic and monsters exist. But the creatures have her all wrong—she isn’t the girl named Meara they were seeking. Hazel narrowly escapes to Colorado, but her reality becomes crazier still.

    Hazel learns she was adopted, and dysfunctional doesn't even begin to describe her family of origin. Meara is her missing four-year-old sister, her mother turns out to be an Earthforce magician, and her father, a sadistic Lifeforce magician desperate to sacrifice his daughters to maintain his immortality.

    With the Realm at stake, Hazel races between the Realm and Colorado, trying to find the missing four-year-old. Failure could mean (fill in something here) or worse, her own sacrifice.

    FINDING MEARA is an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 80,000 words. Compare your book to another you’ve seen like it or a similar author.

    I am a member of…(any writing groups? Even online ones? List them here.) My short stories X and X were published in printed anthologies(list the anthology names). My contemporary fantasy story, BEARU HUG was published in the February 2012 issue of the online journal, Hogglepot.

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  2. What an exciting premise! I love anything magical and you promise to deliver. :)

    I offer the following as a suggestion only:

    Mistaken for a girl named Meara, Hazel Michelli is kidnapped from her Denver apartment by a winged creature, and taken to the Realm, a parallel world where magic and monsters exist. (Oooo! Good beginning. You can nix for some nefarious purpose b/c it doesn’t tell anything specific and we assume that intention anyway.)

    Slotted for sacrifice, Hazel narrowly escapes the Realm and certain death with the help of Frederick, a fire-cat, and Arden, the cryptic keeper of the forest. (Oh, hey! I have an Aarden also— just slightly diff spelling!)

    Back in Colorado, Hazel learns her life is a lie—she’s adopted and dysfunctional doesn't even begin to describe her family of origin. Her birth mother is an Earthforce magician who fled the Realm to protect Hazel when she was an infant. Meara is her four-year-old half-sister, and their father, Lucian Rosen, is a sadistic and desperate Lifeforce magician willing to sacrifice either daughter to maintain his immortality.
    (The info about the distant cousin relationship isn’t vital right now. The rest is all very exciting stuff! I love your premise.)

    The only problem is Meara has disappeared, and not even Lucian knows where she is. (I assumed this as well: Furthermore, Lucian realizes Hazel is his lost daughter, and if he can sacrifice her, he will obtain the Earthforce magic in her blood and take over the Realm.)

    Guilted to action by her adoptive mother (Give me something stronger than guilt and do we need to know the adoptive mom pushed for this? If Hazel is reluctant, tells us why— that’s interesting. All heroes are larger than life and fallible, it’s good to show both sides), Hazel races between the Realm and Colorado, searching for the four-year-old, barely one step ahead of Lucian, who will “stop at nothing to control the Realm.” (Give us something specific that’s scary that cranks up the fear factor and conflict for her. You have already stated he wants to sacrifice them for immortality— you don’t want to be redundant.)


    Finding Meara, is an 80,000 adult contemporary-fantasy. While written with light-hearted humor, Finding Meara deals with themes of sacrifice, selflessness and family.

    I am a school social worker, mother and wife. I have had two short horror stories published in printed anthologies. My contemporary fantasy story, Bear Hug, is published in the February 2012 issue of the online journal, Hogglepot. (Yay for you!)

    I love your premise! You have a great imagination. The creatures and characters presented make me want to read more. You have done a great job with your query and I’m so jealous you have a nice credential to add. Wonderful stuff, Lara.

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  3. Ah, while I slaved away Heather did a far better job w/her suggestions-- listen to her. lol.

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  4. This is a really good start Lara! Your book sounds awesome!I would save the 80,000 word of XX novel for the end. Just put a small paragraph at the end, that says, Finding Meara is complete at 80,000 words. Or something like that. Then I would just tighten things up a little and shorten it a little. I'll try to throw it in Word later and email you my suggestions, but this is actually a really good start! Good luck!

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  5. Hi Lara,

    Much of what I was going to say was taken care of by Heather and D.D. I would also leave out the adoptive family being cousins and the Colorado mom guilting her into searching. I was also confused by the original whether Meara was her mother's sister or Hazel's sister/half sis. Heather's is a lot shorter, but I like D.D.s version a tad more.

    And I know you said this is adult fantasy, so I'm assuming Hazel is a grown woman. If she is still a teen, and living with her mom in Colorado, then this would most likely be YA fantasy. If she is 18 or 19, you could slide her on up to adult. But 17 and under...firmly in the YA sphere (where I orbit:).

    I'm just pointing this out, because in your version, I had already in my mind that she was grownup. Then she was mistaken for a 4yo. I had a HUH? moment. Both Heather and D.D. smooth this out, but that's why I had YA on the brain. And saving a younger sibling is played out in a lot of Middle Grade and Young Adult. It happens in adult novels, but usually with druggie or inept adult sibs.

    Anyway...take whatever I say with a pinch or two of salt. And the best of luck to you. Sounds like an interesting concept.
    Cheers!

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  6. Okay, I didn't look at other comments first. I did a rewrite for you. I think your book has potential, but your query was on overload.

    I left out the sister's age because it made me think how can you mistake a grown woman for a little girl. I truly get it - same blood thing, but you don't want it confusing in a query and make the agent stop reading. The family relationships shouldn't be in your query. Too many details, but the promise of a good story with lots of twist and turns.

    Hazel Michelli is mistaken for a girl named Meara and kidnapped from her Denver apartment to the Realm, a parallel world where magic and monsters exist. Lucian, a sadistic Lifeforce magician, desperate to maintain his immortality plans Meara as his sacrifice. Hazel narrowly escapes with the help of Frederick, a fire-cat, and Arden, the cryptic keeper of the forest.

    Leaving the Realm doesn’t put Hazel’s the magician behind her. She discovers her real mother is an Earthforce magician who fled the Realm and gave Hazel up to protect her from her own father. Hazel and Meara’s fates and blood are intertwined as sisters and their father's targets. Hazel must find and save her younger sister, Meara, and stay one step ahead of Lucian or he’ll use one of his daughter's blood for control of the Realm.

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    Replies
    1. Good luck on this. I think this book has lots of promise. My first queries had way too much detail. I also recommend Absolute Write at Query Letter Hell there. Other kind writers helped me a ton to make it somewhere. I wasn't a quick study. Good luck!

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  7. Agree a little with Glacier on the "overload." Query - specifically your third paragraph - is too confusing. I like Heather's version, and agree you should intro with why you are querying that agent.

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  8. Hey - great start. Your story offers lots of twists and turns....here's my thoughts on your query.

    Dear Agent,
    (something specific on why you're submitting to this one) I offer 'In Finding Meara', my 80,000 word adult contemporary-fantasy for your review.

    Hazel Michelli’s life is turned inside out when, mistaken for her half sister Meara, she is kidnapped from her Denver apartment by a winged creature and taken to the Realm, a parallel world where magic and monsters exist.


    Upon learning she is to be sacrificed, Hazel narrowly escapes the Realm with the help of Frederick, a fire-cat, and Arden, the cryptic keeper of the forest.

    (not sure how to handle this, but this jump back to Colorado jarred me - how is she suddenly back?) (also there are a lot of characters and relationships introduced in this next paragraph; it's a little hard to keep straight) (Perhaps this paragraph could be consolidated with something like: "Together they uncover Hazel's true parentage..."
    Back in Colorado, Hazel’s world is further turned inside out when she learns she was adopted as a baby, and dysfunctional doesn't even begin to describe her family of origin. Her adoptive parents are distant cousins to her mother, an Earthforce magician who fled the Realm to protect Hazel when she was an infant. Meara is her four-year-old half-sister, and their father, Lucian Rosen, is a sadistic Lifeforce magician desperate to sacrifice his daughter to maintain his immortality.

    The only problem is Meara has disappeared, and not even Lucian knows where she is. Furthermore, Lucian realizes Hazel is his lost daughter, and if he can sacrifice her, he will obtain the Earthforce magic in her blood and take over the Realm.

    Guilted to action by her adoptive mother, Hazel races between the Realm and Colorado, trying to find the four-year-old and stay one step ahead of Lucian, so she doesn’t end up becoming the sacrifice that would give him control over the Realm.


    While written with light-hearted humor, Finding Meara deals with themes of sacrifice, selflessness and family.

    I am a school social worker, mother and wife. (I would leave the former sentence out and focus on your great writing successes) I have had two short horror stories published in printed anthologies. My contemporary fantasy story, Bear Hug, is published in the February 2012 issue of the online journal, Hogglepot.

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  9. Laura,

    I love your story idea, and I like how you jump into the action right away in the initial lines. I’m thinking it may be a tad on the long side, and I’d reduce the number of characters mentioned by name. Here’s my suggested edit:


    Mistaken for the younger sister she’s never met, Hazel Michelli is kidnapped from her Denver apartment by a winged creature, and taken to the Realm, a world parallel to our own.

    Unfortunately, Hazel’s younger sister is set to be sacrificed, and Hazel’s one step away from the gallows. With the well-timed help of Frederick, a fire-cat, and Arden, a “keeper,” Hazel escapes the Realms and certain death.

    Hazel arrives back home in Denver, where she must confront the unpleasant fact that the world she’s come to know isn’t as ordinary as it seems. What’s more, she learns she’s adopted, and her family of origin is one grape shy of a fruit salad. She comes from a family of Earthforce magicians who fled the Realms to seek asylum the regular world.

    Hazel is thrown together with her birth family in a search for the sister she’s never met, Meara. Meara has disappeared. Hazel is compelled to find her sister and save her, and possibly, to forge a connection with her sibling. But if her crazy birth father has his way, Hazel will become the victim of a blood sacrifice –the only way he knows to get Meara back and secure his control over the Realms.


    FINDING MEARA, is an 80,000 word contemporary-fantasy for the adult market.

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  10. Thank you so much to all of you for the great feedback and suggestions. I have a lot more confidence now I can wrangle the darn query into something presentable and hopefully fascinating!

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  11. Lara I love this story idea! I'm glad that EB PIke kept the homicidal dad in her revision, since he was the clincher for me. I don't normally read fantasy but this story appeals to me because it has, at its heart, the family history connection. That may be normal in fantasy, I don't know, but your query makes that link so clear I'd want to take the step to read the reviews.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Donna, for that feedback. To me the homicidal Dad is what makes it interesting - he's desperate, mean and selfish. He's what makes the stakes. I'm going to try to work through all the feedback, and I'll keep in mind that you liked dear old Dad in there!

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