Monday, March 26, 2012

What's Perseverance Without Acceptance?

This blog post has been thumping around my head, wanting to get out, for about three weeks.  It was about three weeks ago that I realized I wasn't going to be able to pitch Finding Meara at the conference.  I'd edited twenty-five pages in about a month, and discouragement camped in the dark recesses of my mind, waiting for any opportunity to point out that I hadn't achieved my goal.

Photo by dan
One day, when I was complaining (again) about how I'd screwed up my timeline by messing around at various points in the last year and a half, my Very Wise Husband (no, he's not paying me to call him that) said "How about if it gets done when it gets done?"

I didn't quite catch on immediately, but the seeds for this post were laid in that moment.

Growing up, my mother always said that if she had to fight too hard for something, it probably wasn't the right time for whatever it was she wanted.  She always told me to relax in those moments, and everything would work out for the best.

I have to say that her advice has been sound.  I've felt I've had good luck with my life (or lots of blessings, or good Karma, whatever you want to call it.)  For some reason I don't do so good at the letting go when it comes to writing.

Perhaps it's because I've read all kinds of success stories that have colored my view of how this writing journey is supposed to go.  Letting go of my perceptions of what I have to do in order to become a successful writer, blogger, and platform builder, is darn scary!  I fear that if I relax my writing timeline, I will surely be a writing failure.

I don't know about you, but I can't worry constantly.  I try very hard to do so, but eventually I worry myself out, and I have to take a break.  The best thing about my worry breaks is that I am forced to let go, and see my worry from a different, more distant perspective.  

During my last worry break, what my husband said to me finally sunk in.  I figured out (mostly) what this quote says perfectly:


"Acceptance of one's life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle.  On the contrary it means accepting it as it comes. . . .  To accept is to say yes to life in its entirety."  Paul Tournier


If I accept that I am where I am in my writing (dare I say it?) career, and that is just how it is, I'm not giving up on anything.  I will still write and achieve goals I set.  All I'm doing is changing my perspective, and my attitude.  


George Orwell said "Happiness can exist only in acceptance."  When I'm worrying over every little decision I made, that put me where I am today, I am not happy.  I'm cranky...and frustrated...and probably not very fun to be around.


Plus, I start contemplating if all the stress and hard work is worth it, what's the cost/benefit analysis.  I start wondering if I should just quit.  Writing isn't creative and uplifting.  It becomes a source of fear and worry.


Photo by prozac1
That's not who I want to be, and that's not what I want writing to be in my life.


So, I made a choice.  


I decided to accept where I am, and what I have done so far.  




I decided to accept that I'll not pitch Finding Meara at the conference, but it was okay.  I'll be able to really get the manuscript ready to go out for querying.  And maybe the timing will be right, because I'm not forcing my will upon the cosmos (or God, or the powers that be, whatever you want to call it.)



One tidbit of advice to writing success I've read all over, from multiple sources, states that we must persevere.  Perseverance without acceptance can be pretty short.  In order to have longevity in anything, we have to have a certain amount of patience.  Acceptance leads to patience, which then allows us to persevere.  And then we can be happy... or at least peaceful.


How do you handle when you get frustrated with yourself?  Do you have any tips you'd like to share?

30 comments:

  1. Lara, this was so beautiful! I think we've all experienced this at one point or another when it becomes so frustrating, we just want to throw in the towel. But you are taking the right steps in accepting your accomplishments and not worrying over the times we feel we are failing. Once I learned to relax, and just enjoy what I'm doing as a writer, I've come to the realization that it's all I need. The other stuff will come with perseverance and hard work, yes, but with less worry when we are in that mindset.

    And it's great to know we aren't alone in this either. ;)

    (Jaberwocky!)

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    1. Thanks, Cassie! Relaxing helps everything be better, I think. And I totally agree, having company along the journey, and understanding, makes the journey friendlier. :)

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  2. Here's sending you an e-hug and letting you know that I believe in you. I believe in your eventual success. Just don't let the setbacks faze you, or the naysayers, etc. This world always has some icky person lurking and just waiting to ruin your day.

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    1. Thanks so much for the e-hug, and the confidence! It is always welcome and appreciated!!

      Did you see that I Whammied over at The Best of Everything? I couldn't believe it!

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  3. I've been struggling lately with my writing journey, mostly that I don't have an agent yet. It was really getting to me, until I read someone's Facebook status that said if God hasn't taken you out of your situation yet, it's probably because He has something to teach you and you haven't learned it yet. That's when I realized that if I'm in God's will, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. Sometimes the journey matters more than the outcome. So that helps me be patient (even though I still refresh email constantly...)

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    1. Nothing wrong with being hopeful! The refresh button doesn't break ;)

      Yeah - accepting can be difficult to do, but all the negativity that surrounds worry and frustration is not healthy, and doesn't help creativity, either. Good for you for being able to let go!

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  4. I read blogs like this that put those words so eloquently and remind me so many others are in the same position. I think that's great you have the self-control to not do the pitch. It's so easy to get excited about something and forget that you're not ready. I learned that the hard way with my early querying. Good for you.

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    1. I have to say thanks for saying the blog is eloquent. Last night when I published it, I asked my husband if it made sense. Sometimes I really can't tell!

      Thanks, too, for the support about not pitching anyway. I was tempted.

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  5. Some excellent words of wisdom. Thanks for sharing them.

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    1. Thanks, Randy. My husband is one of my best supports and really helps me not go totally insane with all the instability of writing.

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  6. That hubby's one smart guy, huh?!

    Love the quotes. Here's to acceptance. We all have to find our way there.

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    1. I do love the guy! Here, here for acceptance! *raises glass*

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  7. This is a great post and a healthy way to look at things. While it's important to have goals and deadlines and milestones, particularly if writing professionally, creative endeavors aren't quite the same thing as putting together a known product on an assembly line. It's often difficult to know what a reasonable goal is, and if we don't meet that goal, it's easy to feel like we've failed in some way, even when we've accomplished a lot. We deserve to cut ourselves some slack sometimes :)

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    1. We do deserve to cut ourselves some slack. It seems like every writer I know (myself included) is incredibly hard on themselves. "It" is never enough, good enough, etc... It's a good point that the arts require a different measuring stick than widget making! Thanks!

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  8. Oh good for you!! I've done that recently with a lot of areas. For me, I won't be able to get my book done in time for my (hopeful) writers confererence. I got my book's first draft done this year and that is what I wanted. I have wanted that for a LONG time. The next part needs time as well and I don't want to rush it. I may not actually start the editing process til May-ish and I know for sure I won't make the conference I wanted. So, I accepted it and I'm letting myself breathe. I'm introducing new writing projects (mainly short stories right now...) and I'm also approaching my blog in a new way. Change is not a bad thing and as writers its so important to change our approach or accept our circumstances as they are sometimes. Good for you for knowing where you need to be in the writing process!

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    1. You're right! Change is not bad, and actually being flexible is important in so many aspects of writing. Acceptance feels kind of like enjoying the walk in the park, instead of only focusing on the end destination.

      Congratulations for meeting your goal - your first draft took a lot less time than my first draft did!! :)

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  9. Very wise post. Do you teach mindfulness skills to your clients? I do, and I think they're wonderful, but they can be hard to remember to use for me when I'm mired in my typical impatience and planning!

    Is the conference you're mentioning RT in Chicago? If so, I'll be there too!

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    1. Yes, now that I think about it, I do. I work in an elementary school, and there is a nifty book that I have used to teach mindful breathing/eating/etc... to help ADHD type behaviors. I also do a relaxation group before school on T/TH, and I do teach meditation/chanting. The kids love to "do the Ohms"!

      I know - it's hard to be a mental health type, and then still get stuck in the same old stuff we're 'sposed to know all about! But...we're only human, too! ;)

      No, I wish it was in Chicago - it'd be great to meet you! I am going to Colorado Springs, though.

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  10. I wish I had words to explain how much I needed this right now. You are so stinking FABULOUS! Seriously - you always have all the right answers and I have no doubt that when the time is right - you're going to be rockin that finished book!

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    1. I am so happy it was helpful. It's funny how I'll post something, and then read a similar post somewhere else. Ie. Writer Unboxed today had a guest speaker about something similar to acceptance, can't remember exactly. Makes me feel better that I'm not alone - and that can be incredibly helpful all by itself! Chin up - we're all there with you!!

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  11. This was exactly what I needed to read tonight...it was a long day of a chronic pain disease and figuring out how to set myself up for success and struggling to accept everything. This was very enlightening and allowed me to breath easily. You may not be following YOUR timeline, but this post proves that you are following the Universe's timeline.

    Thanks for a perfect post.

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    1. Chronic pain diseases (chronic diseases, for that matter) suck. My sister had M.S., and it was awful. I'm glad I'm tucked into the Universe - if it helps other people, especially! I'm really glad I found your blog, by the way. It often speaks to me, as well! You have great insights.

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  12. When I realize my original time line for a goal won't work, I sweat a few bullets then move on. I simply set a new time line. Your work has a better chance of success if it's polished and completely ready. It's like baking a pie; if you take it out of the oven before it's time, you have a doughy mess. So bake that manuscript till you feel it's ready,Lara. You'll be glad you did.

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    1. Thanks, Cindy! I think that's what convinced me to not try to force getting it ready for the pitch. I had submitted a story to major mags (Carter, you remember?) and it needed more work (doughy mess). Then, when I thought I could make it better, those mags weren't available anymore. I didn't want the same thing to happen w/ Finding Meara. But it's sooo hard for me to be patient. Definitely a character trait I must always work on!

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  13. Hey Lara,

    Great, thoughtful post and well done to you (and Very Wise Husband.... hmmm must tell *my* wife about that name:)

    Glad to hear you are happier now with the state of your writing career (and yes, dare to say it :)

    PS... I thought it was funny that the tree pic was by "Prozac 1" (Nothing like a wee bit of prozac to chill one down :)

    PPS... never mind the prozac...that fish thing on your home page... it's addictive:)

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    1. I did think it was funny (about Prozac1) and wondered if anyone would notice! You get a gold star!

      Diane Carlisle says the same thing about the fish. She decided it's actually an evil plot I concocted in order to keep people on my blog site! (cue evil laugh) :)

      Yes, I have made my peace with the speed at which my writing career (eek to say it) is going. I'm hoping it will last - I tend to work myself up periodically, usually when I feel I'm being left behind! ;D Knowing it is half the battle, right?

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  14. Letting go is hard, yes, but sometimes we need to do that. I too had a firm schedule in mind that I did not make and I am now on the same track as you - it will get done when it gets done. I work on it almost every night for at least an hour (finally a good schedule!) and hope to have it done soon. But that is it. Can't force everything in life. We already have too much stress and frustration...

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    1. I'm like you - I try to think of it as every little step is a step forward. Sometimes I don't get an hour in, but at least I'm working on it, and I try to make up the time when I can!

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  15. Wow, Lara. This is SO well done. I completely agree and I love what you said about if you have to fight for something it might not be the right time. We have to make sure that first and foremost, this writing journey is enjoyable. That we don't lose ourselves and our purpose as a writer in the successes and failures of others. This is OUR journey and if we want to, we will persevere.

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    1. Thanks, Kelley! That's what I like about Yoga - it's supposed to be non-competitive. I say "supposed to be" because even there I find myself checking out everyone else to see how much better they are than me. But, that's where I started to learn to let go of that competitive streak and find my own way as the best for me. There's a theme out on the blogs I've been reading about supporting each other, and I think acceptance of our own path is primary to being able to be happy for other's successes, too. Our writing isn't about them, it's about us!

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